Tuesday, March 09, 2010



One Liners

She took lip gloss on a camping trip

Fuck you in defiance

As I won’t be able to see them in person, give my regards to the funeral directors

Juan Kerr, Dick Goodhead,

Forgotten memories

We had our suspicions when he lost interest in his girlfriend shortly after she grew her hair long

Process of osmosis

My friend lost her virginity on the steps of the cenotaph

Gambling doesn’t discriminate, any idiot can be lucky.

Any lucky loser can become a millionaire

The last survivor died today

Only dead fish go with the flow

Frozen Smoke

Cocaine doesn’t snort itself

I went to a sex addiction clinic
What happened?
Descended into an orgy, it did every week

A blind eyewitness

Is ugly in an attractive way

Babies – nature’s way of encouraging abstinence

Families are never truthful with each other, that’s why they’re called families.

He uses ambulances like taxis

There’s jobs going at the hotel if you get really desperate
I am desperate
Not this desperate, it means working nights, you have to attend to the needs of the guests
You’re seriously suggesting I prostitute myself out
I’m not talking about prostitution
What are you talking about then call girl? Escort?
Night Porter!

Anonymous Valentine’s Day cards

My breath smelt of garlic so I didn’t kiss any strangers on the plus side I didn’t get killed by any vampires

At least I’m not an 18 year old divorcee

Valentine’s Day, desperate girls and delusional couples

You divorce morality from practicality

Cappuccino without the froth please

My grandma had what we think might now have been the oldest dog in the world, until it died

Pretending to be myself

In a film adaptation of the history of the world my life would be a deleted scene

Saving money by staying single

I’m pregnant

Why aren’t you talking to her?
No, I’m talking to her
You didn’t say a single thing to her all day
That’s because she’s not talking to me
There’s a difference?

Worst birthday ever

You’re offended that I wouldn’t consider paying you for sex? Surely I was being kind

I know my own name, don’t need a nametag to tell me that
It’s so that other people know who you are

Legs seem to be becoming a running theme here

It hurts when I smile

Feel like a pensioner waking up in a teenager’s bedroom

Where’s Britain’s Dunkirk spirit gone?

The capital of Belgium is…?
You know they named the city after the Sprouts
I thought it was the other way around
What? There’s a town in Belgium called Sprouts?

That time you stopped me putting my head in the oven, you saved my life
You do have an electric oven though, so at worst you might have signed an ear

I was about ready to put my head in the oven
But you have an electric one
Yeh lucky I got there when I did
Saved me from singeing an ear

Don’t you remember the last year’s office Christmas party?
Remember it? I’ve still got the photocopies

Bet I’m better at sex than you
Can we both have sex with you to find out who’s better?

No, none of my grandparents ever met each other

My mum found you sexy
What would my girlfriend say?

Is there any particular reason why you appear to be cutting out holes in condoms?
I’m trying to impregnate my boss
How are you going to do that, you’re not even sleeping together
No but her boyfriend still is
And you’re trying to get them to have a baby because…?
I hate her
If you have to know, I’m after her job, only way I can prove that I’m better at doing her job than she is, is to actually do it for a few months

I’ve heard of people trying to sleep their way to the top
Some people try to sleep their way to the top, you’re too lazy to even do they

Do you have a rape whistle?
Fancy a drink?

Yeh you were sleeping with her, mind you she was just sleeping

I didn’t cheat on you, I just forgot that we were going out

I’m so sad, my boyfriend broke up with me today
Which one?

There’s one thing I will never forget… what was it again?

Don’t ever grow old
I’ll try my best

Life is a million stories, most of which never get beyond the first chapter
A thousand beginnings but not a single ending

Is always lying, except about that

The walls of the halls

Still talking to your imaginary friend?
Please don’t talk about my God like that

I’m confiscating your portable music player. Give me your hip-pod.
Sir it’s called an I-pod
Well it’s my pod now until the end of today

The school clock’s wrong
The clock stopped years ago. Never did find what’s wrong with it. Plenty more clocks around here though.

It looks very retro-futuristic, in other words, old

He was old when I was young

Amnesia is a side-effect of excessive alcohol consumption; remember me telling you that yesterday?... No didn’t think so

He’s even hotter, you’re even drunker
I’m a friend of Dorothy’s

Metaphorical miles

I wish I could photoshop my life, I could to with sharpening up my image

I’m as depressed as a fat man at a salad bar

I miss you like a fish misses water

Optimism? Another word for delusion

Juvenile Men

It’s reassuring to know that I can't make the theatre I'm working at any more obscure than it already is

I’d love to live in a world where everything written on the internet was actually true. There would be so many more lesbian marriages, alien abductions and celebrity sex scandals

I was getting paid to not work when on the dole but now I'm starting my internship I work but don't get paid, how does that work?

An internship, halfway between employment and slavery

You’re about as original as an echo. Unique Echo.

Isabelle’s ex was a fencer but she had to ditch him because he was getting too touché feely for her.

Phone call at a funeral – ‘no he won’t want double glazing, he’s dead. I don’t care what your files say, I’m at his funeral as we speak’

It’s black/More like dark blue

In funeral ceremony – ‘oh God, I think I’ve got the wrong funeral’. Mobile phone goes off.


Don’t swear in-front of my grandmother
What does it matter? She can’t hear me, she’s deaf
Yeh but she can still lip read
If you’re going to keep swearing then at least clench your teeth

Isabelle only hears what she wants to. Selective hearing
Sorry, what did you just say?
I can’t tell whether you’re being ironic or not

I hate how you answer every question with another question
Do I?

They were all applauding me
It was a slow hand clap to force you off the stage

Always go to the toilet before you relieve yourself

Using my dole money to slowly pay off my student debt

I always won races at sports day as a kid
It did help that you always ran in the girls races, no matter how much the teachers tried to stop you

I’ve never seen myself sleeping. How could you?
I did once, it was awful… a sex tape that went on far too long

You still play with sock puppets?
Well got to give your hand something to do when he’s not…
Who said anything about putting it on my hand?

I’ve never needed contraception, I have a penis
What do contraceptives actually look like?
Have you never been out with someone who has taken them?
The girls I’ve met have never needed them
No, to some girls Simon himself is a form of contraceptive. One look from him puts them off men for good.

I was going to join the debating team but I got talked out of it

Thank you so very much for the money you gave me for the skydive. Unfortunately I survived so you all have to cough up that donation you promised
Oh no, you survived jumping out of a plane
Sorry yeh that’s a fiver you owe

You want the remote?
Yeh, anything on?
No, it’s why I gave you the remote

That old saying 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained' is fast becoming just 'nothing gained'

Today is today, it’s always today, it’s never not today

Running a marathon in heels

Not my fault I failed my test first time
You knocked someone over!
He threw himself at my car! They shouldn’t run test routes past psychiatric wards

You’re such a liar
No I’m not!
There you go again, always lying…

6 times more likely to commit suicide than be murdered

The apple doesn’t have an opinion, it’s an inanimate object

Orange called to tell me I have now been with them for two years. I left a month ago because they were incompetent. Glad to see I was proved right.

I make her scream at night
Yeh with fright at your astonishing ugliness

A wheel is just a square with the corners rounded off

That’s the benefit of benefits

You know you’re parents are getting old when you have to start telling your dad when to go to bed

I’d rather be poor and healthy than rich and dead

My wisdom teeth never came through, am I not wise?

All the midwives are on maternity leave

People love talking about the past because they were part of it. People hate the future because the only certainty is that, one day, they won’t be.

What’s the first rule of driving?
Keep your eyes open

You ain’t seen nothing until you’ve seen a horse and cart doing a reverse three point turn

The main difference between F1 and cricket is that when it rains F1 becomes more exciting whilst cricket becomes less

I don’t have a fear of flying, I have a fear of falling

(After birthday) so depressing, have to wait a whole another year for that again

I’ve only got love for you if you were actually born in the 80s

Keep blowing those bubbles kid coz when you grow-up it all goes to shit

Constantly losing people you care about, in the end you just stop caring

Greatness Road

I’m becoming a vegetarian, going cold turkey and everything, slightly unfortunate phrasing there, not that I’m always thinking about eating meat because I’m not, hardly ever think about it

It’s like bribing me with my own money

You’re obsessed with sport, I say Cambridge and Oxford, you think Conference football teams, not prestigious universities

Morals, just another thing that gets in the way of fun

Flattery, deception, same thing isn’t it?

The times are bad. I had a serious discussion with my parents about becoming a male escort over tea today, they were in favour of it too

You’re about as sexually liberated as a Catholic Priest

Has it really been 8 weeks already? I only saw you 2 months back

He was a photographer until he went blind

Either be happy together or happy apart but don’t be between the two and unhappy

For as long as I can remember I’ve had memories

Twitter – celebrity stalking for lazy people

What next on BBC 3? Celebrity Bomb Disposal

Religion, it’s all just an elaborate conspiracy theory about death

The suffragettes never did anything for me

At half price so I can buy twice as much!

Everyone knows that all generalizations are always wrong

It either makes it much more likely… or a lot less

I’m going to live forever or die trying

It was a choice between going to boys’ grammar and receiving a good education, or going to the mixed comprehensive and receiving a sex education

I always tell the truth, having said that I am a compulsive liar, but of course I could be lying about that

Adults that are sexually attracted to teenagers are called hebophiles
Accismus Productions means 'the pretence of turning down something desperately wanted'

It’s not that I’m a bad gambler; it’s just that teams don’t get the results they’re supposed to

You never hear ice-cream vans chiming anymore
My mum always used to tell me that the chimes meant they've run out of ice cream

What did I want to be when I was growing up? A: Grown-up
What do I want to be now that I am grown-up? A: Not grown-up

I’m indecisive, well no I mean I say that but sometimes I’m quite good at making decisions when I need to be but then again I do spend hours in the supermarket choosing between different brands and I’m not great at making my mind up I probably am indecisive but not always

I’ve gone 9 and half days without drinking, not that I’m counting or anything

I once made out with my ethics teacher

I did consider being spontaneous but by the time I’d thought about it the moment had passed

I’m not argumentative and I’m not in denial!

Ever thought that pessimism maybe self-fulfilling?

You use pub as a verb

I’m a compulsive liar but then again I don’t always tell the truth
I tell the truth 75% of the time/ I am however a compulsive liar but of course I might be lying about that

Fat girls float best

I never used to like my chest hair but it’s growing on me

‘Love’s Labours Won’ being lost forever, you can’t write irony like that
Well you can but then you’d have to lose what you’d written

I’m just as famous as any celebrity before they were famous

I’ve never been so old – (birthday)

The moment I stop thinking I’m insane is the moment that I actually will be
Only someone who was sane would actually doubt their insanity

If God had wanted us to lick our own balls he wouldn’t have inserted our bottom three ribs would he?

It’s not rape if you shout ‘surprise’ first

The difference between tragedy and comedy is simply a matter of perspective

I can’t afford to be an alcoholic

Can’t afford to be a professional gambler, not yet anyway

You started every sentence with ‘I’m not alcoholic but…’

Anyone who says they’re drunk actually isn’t drunk enough

Even my stalker hates me

Napoleon was a lesbian

If I knew where I’d been I wouldn’t have been lost in the first place

She wasn’t dead after all but was still on the run from the morgue and subsequently arrested for impersonating the living

If only life was scripted then I’d always know what to say

His imaginary friend is fed up of being ignored by everyone, he wants you all to take him seriously

The Anti-Sobriety coalition

There will be no tolerance towards traitors or those who show tolerance towards traitors

Infinity is impossibility

I want to do a learn-from-home course on economics but I just can’t afford it at the moment what with the new T.V. and all the bills constantly going up

I’m sleeping with a necrophiliac/insomniac

And then he threw up on the war memorial

You were in my dream last night… don’t worry it wasn’t a wet dream or anything

And your accountant called to say that you can’t afford to have anymore children

I want to be a funeral director, job with a future; people are always going to die

I was only making out with her so that we didn’t have to talk

No password

The bravest men get shot quickest

You’re so sexist, for a woman

I have a complex relationship with cheese

Every adult was once a child


What’s your highest 3 dart score?
How did you get 290 from just 3 darts?

Is it today or still yesterday?
Today, it’s always today, it’s never not today

So are you over Isabelle yet?

Yeh of course I am, it has been over a year

Wasn’t so long ago that you were both in love. What if you’re wrong about being over her?

I’m never wrong about these things

Yeh you are, frequently. You just never admit to it

Name me a time when I’ve been wrong

I’m not saying anything

Well you are, you’re saying ‘I’m not saying anything’. What do you mean by that?

Ok, ok. Honestly, in my opinion, I think you’re a little bit in denial

I’m not in denial! No-way, not me, never

If you’re not in denial then you’re definitely being argumentative

I’m not argumentative either!

Yeh you are

No I’m not!

You so are!

I’m not argumentative and I’m definitely not in denial! And at least I’m not, not saying anything

I’ve found a £10 an hour job
What is it?
A model for life drawing classes
You’re getting paid to take your clothes off, that’s one step away from being a male stripper, which is itself one step away from being a gigolo
I couldn’t do that
Why not?
Being naked, in front of a load of strangers. What if… you know… what if you got… aroused
Sitting in-front of some ugly fat middle aged women is hardly sexy
Don’t know about anyone else in here but whenever I’ve been naked in-front of a woman I’ve been aroused

Don’t you ever harass me again! And at a funeral of all places

I was complimenting you!

No you were sexually harassing me

What did you say this time?

I said that Isabelle looked nice today

No you said I was looking sexy

And… what’s the difference? I don’t understand. I try paying you a compliment and get accused of harassment. And the worst of it is that if I hadn’t have paid you a compliment you’d have had a got a me for that as well.

Isabelle storms out of the car off

Wouldn’t worry about it mate. When will women understand that all flattery is simply deception anyway?

I’m never wrong
No you’re not, you simply never admit you’re wrong

You can’t lie on your CV
I didn’t!
Previous employment, Professional job hunter, 2009 to present, that isn’t a job it’s a contradiction

I’m speechless
No you’re not

Why are you buying him clothes? He’s already got some
Because when we go out together I want him to look nice
What if he likes what he’s already got?
Well I don’t like what he’s already good, I want him to look as good as I will
He won’t want to wear that
He’ll wear what I tell him to
Girls, you never grow up do you? When you’re young you play with dolls, comb their hair dress them up, then you get older and instead of growing out of it you just find bigger more expensive and life-like dolls to dress. Your imposing yourself on him

What you eating?
Bread sandwich
What’s in it?
Two slices of bread with a third slice in-between
Then that’s not a sandwich, it’s just bread. Why don’t you put some cheese in there?
Better not, I have a complex relationship with cheese

No-one spends all their time thinking about you
I do!

Nothing but silence
It’s technically not silence if you talk through it

Are you vegetarian then?
Well, I eat fish
Which either makes you a pescetarian or a hypocrite

Can you smell toast?
You know that’s the first sign that you’re having a heart attack
Great so either I’m about to have a heart attack or someone’s making breakfast without me

I’m all for a republic. Don’t see why we should have to pay for a posh family to live a life of luxury
They only cost the taxpayer 63p per person per year, it’s nothing
63p? Nothing? I could buy a Peanut Butter Kit-Kat Chunky for that
Are we seriously arguing confectionary over monarchy?
I can live without the monarchy, couldn’t live without chocolate
This is silly, you don’t even pay the tax, you’re unemployed. You’re all on the dole so none of you are paying for the monarchy.

She’s not imaginary
Already one up on most your previous girlfriends then

You don’t drink alcohol for the taste, no-one likes the taste of alcohol, it tastes like poison! It is technically a poison! But you drink it because it makes you feel drunk. You don’t take medicine for the taste you drink it to make you better
Are you seriously comparing alcohol to medicine?

There’s only one type of person I’d ignore you for
What types that then?

If Hilary Clinton had been elected would Bill Clinton have been the First Lady or the first, First Man

I’m 21! I can’t be going bald, my dad still has all his hair
Yeh but hair-loss is inherited from your mother’s side
But my mum’s not bald
No but what-about your granddad?
He’s dead
Yeh, I think death is hereditary too, but before your granddad died was he…?
Bald, yeh very bald, bald by 25 oh… I’m going bald before my dad

You lied to me. Which means you might have lied about other things as well.
Yes, ok, I have lied but I’m lying now
How can I believe that? Maybe you are still lying now.
It doesn’t matter if I’m lying or not. What matters is that you found out. Think of it as a surprise
I don’t like surprises
You might not like what I have to tell you then

She was just killed by the script writer who randomly threw a silenced gun into the narrative
How dare you scriptwriter! You public menace! We would live in peace if it weren’t for you putting guns on our streets! Making characters do uncharacteristic things just to develop the plot like having everyone fall in love and sleeping with each other for increasingly silly reasons like every time two totally mismatched characters get together because it’s a Wednesday just to get another character jealous enough to kill the first character in time for the Friday cliff-hanger
Whilst that’s all true I have just had an existential crisis and screwed the scriptwriter to get the family business back and I brought my sons closer together in doing so. From now on everything is going to be good.

Do you not believe in equality?
I will believe in true equality when men are born with wombs
Wouldn’t that make everyman a woman?
A womb-man

I’m rich
You’re stone broke!
Well I’m rich… comparatively
Yeh in comparison to a third world orphan I’m rich, very rich. I mean obviously I’m not rich in comparison to Bill Gates or the Queen or most normal people

How did he write his autobiography? I thought he was dead
Yeh he wrote his autobiography posthumously

Believe me I’m not paranoid
I never said you were
You thought it though didn’t you?
No, course not
You’re not being honest with me; just admit it! You think I’m paranoid
Ok now I think you’re paranoid
I trust you less than you trust me, trust me about it.
If you do trust me less than I trust you then I don’t trust you at all

He’s the Angel of Death
Although we prefer to be called euthangels

What’s everyone’s biggest fantasy?
I fantasize about Harry, Ron and Hermonie having threesomes
That sick! Distorting wholesome children’s literature like that
I’d have a threesome with them
Wouldn’t that then be a foursome?
I so would Emma Watson
Yeh Emma Watson’s buff
I’d like to see her in the buff
Fancying Emma Watson is wrong. Just wrong, do you perv over her when watching the Philosophers Stone?
No! She’s like 11 in that
Although I did perv over her when I was 11, seeing it for the first time, she was my first crush
It’s wrong, you’ve watched her grow-up. It’s a wrong as, I don’t know, seeing your sister in her pants
Since when have you seen my sister in her pants?
I don’t know what men see in her, I mean she’s not that pretty, she has weird eyebrows
Yeh I agree
Women, you always find fault
Well I suppose her eyebrows aren’t that weird
No, not compared to Billie Piper
She’s weird looking. It’s like all the parts of her face, her eyebrows, her nose, her lips, her eyes are all competing for attention with each other
Men don’t care for such petty imperfections though
Yeh Billie Piper can play with my sonic screwdriver anytime she wants

I can’t ever remember a time when I was wrong
You’re frequently wrong you simply never admit to it
There’s nothing to admit, I’m never wrong. My greatest strength is that I have no weaknesses.

There was a marriage in the village I was working in and they had a festival to celebrate. Went on for days it did. The entire village getting completely lashed on Sorghum which is this sweet Kenyan moonshine, very strong it is. Unfortunately one man drank too much and died. So the following day they had a funeral for him, celebrated his life by drinking more Sorghum despite the nature of his demise. Later his relatives, worse for wear end up squabbling over his inheritance and eventually one stabs the other and sadly he died. Horrific it was, luckily I didn’t see it but there was screaming and whimpering all through the night

I’ve never been asked out
We can’t have that, I’ll ask you out
Well only if you promise to say no, of course
Why ask if you don’t actually want to go out with me?
So that you can say that someone has asked you out and that you turned them down
How is you telling me to turn you down confidence

Jim and Simon having a meal together when Simon’s sister comes over
What you doing here?
Having a meal with my girlie friends. Why, what you doing?
Eating, just eating
Ok don’t want to interrupt you’re romantic gay-date for two
If you didn’t want to interrupt us then why did you come over? We’re just two friends having lunch. Why do you assume we’re having a gay-date? You’re here with you’re girlfriends, I don’t assume that you’re all having a lesbian orgy afterwards
Just to clarify you’re not are you?

You don’t need to get it out, really put it back in… woah that is big
Yeh most girls can’t handle it, Isabelle struggles with the size of it
What you talking about?
Size of Ed’s tongue


Undercover/covered/cover me

Young Man driving a car when phone ring-tone rings
YM: Hello
Voice Off-Stage: This isn’t funny anymore
YM laughs
Cut to VOS on mobile phone in boot of car

CU tracking shot along the floor. A man and woman heard giggling naughty. Socks come into view, followed by trousers, a shirt, a dress, a bra. More laughing and then a pair of pants and knickers are seen. Pan up to reveal a washing machine, the door closed by a hand, pan right shows ____ and ______ doing their laundry, having fun.

Trying to get a girl to take off her clothes for an arty film the boys have been asked to do. Girls steal camera and sneak in bedroom to film ____ getting changed.

Journalist making the news in-order to get a headline

Why are you so desperate to watch it, you know what’s going to happen
I know what happens, I don’t know how it happens, that’s why I want to watch
What just happened there?
I don’t know I missed it
What’s the point of us watching it if you can’t tell me what happens?

Hearing half a phone conversation
Death certificate

Chlamydia Screening
1 in 10 young people sexually active young people are infected with Chlamydia

Birthday party cake with candles on and lit. Man takes out hand held electric fan to blow candles out.

Wireless controllers

Finding parents condoms

CU of handheld gun CUT TO child holding the gun
Corpse revealed to be a man pretending to be dead

Movie Cliché’s

Woman falls to the ground whilst being chased by a bad guy, even when running over level, unobstructed terrain. Note that when a man and woman are being chased, usually the woman falls, then the man pauses and helps her up.

He’s going to die/How do you know that?/ He’s coughing/It’s only a cough/People in films only cough if they’re about to die

Interesting Words

Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours, or by justifying or rationalizing their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours.

Production Company Names

Retcon Productions (Retroactive Continuity)
Deus Ex Machina Productions
Far Sight Productions

Unique Echo Productions

Asynchronous Productions
Inverse Reflection Productions
Paradox Productions
Cognitive Dissonant Productions

Synergetic Productions
Flashback Productions
Placement Productions
Productions Previously


Bryony Shaw
Mike Hawke

Sunday, August 13, 2006



Hey I haven't updated this in ages, I've been writing but I don't want to release anything yet so here is a snapshot montage of a few lines that I've come up with. They are all taken totally out of context making them meaningless but anyway, enjoy.

There are friends to laugh with, friends to cry with and friends to love with.

I won’t shoot Bambi

Corrupted innocence

Beware of the Gods!

Drunken philosophy

I’m sleeping with a necrophiliac

I was talking to a man in a grave yesterday…

For you I cry tears of blood.

Just because I use simple words don’t mean I think simple thoughts

I love you/ I hate you*
*Please delete as appropriate

My heart is in the right place even if my head is not.

He is like Christianity, fundamentally flawed, ideologically wrong, based on half truths but he can’t half argue around them and convince people that he is right.

She was my friend before she became my girlfriend then ex-girlfriend and now she is just an ex-friend.

I’d prefer to be pessimistic and be proved gloriously wrong than be optimistic and be proved horribly wrong.

If you bitch about the world the world will be a bitch to you.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


NY Trip Magazine Article

Departing school on a coach to go on an educational visit is a mundane somewhat unexciting experience especially for a group of Sixth Formers who have experienced seven years of school trips. This trip was different however, possibly because our destination was not Lewes or even Pevensey Bay but New York, USA.
Whilst we waited to check-in to the flight desk at the airport Charles nearly kicked a sniffer dog because he thought it was “pick-pocketing” him. Mr Gould and Mrs Lowe then somehow managed to raise suspicion during the security checks and were subsequently taken away for baggage inspection, surprisingly they turned out not to be terrorists and we were allowed to board the flight.
On the plane before take-off we played musical chairs without the music as we scrambled to sit next to or away from our respective friends. The seven hour flight was passed by gorging on American TV programmes rather than the in-flight food and being students we made the most of the complimentary drinks being served. Mrs Fernandez also kept us supplied with taxing media quizzes throughout the trip. The Atlantic was a vast expanse of nothingness until the nether regions of the icy Canadian coast came into view; the formations of ice and rock were spectacular. Civilisation slowly materialised as we descended across the Canadian border and into Newark where we touched down. Newark airport was the complete antithesis of Gatwick, clean, quiet and spacious, which was lucky because they needed all the extra space to make room for the long queue of people waiting for immigration checks.
We eventually found the coach and departed for the Big Apple. Mr Gould was impressed with the emerging New York skyline until it was pointed out to him that he was looking at New Jersey City and that the famous Manhattan skyline appeared behind that, which he found even more impressive. After travelling through the famous Lincoln Tunnel we surfaced in Hell’s kitchen (after all as the song says New York is a hell of a town). Just soaking up the sights of Manhattan from the coach was incredible. Manhattan is a forest of imposing glass and metal buildings organised into square blocks. Just as we seemed to travel down the most inconspicuous road we turned the corner and emerged into a hectic Times Square, only the closest place to the centre of the western world.
Our hotel was just off Times Square and you could even see the tip of the square from our hotel room window. The Hotel Edison had a retro romantic New York art-deco urban chic style that looked like a film location, which it had been in some little known film called “The Godfather”. Everything in our hotel room was more powerful, the air conditioning, the toilets, even the power shower seemed turbo charged but despite this only had two settings, boiling hot or freezing cold.
We ended the day by having a big American dinner in a nearby deli. American food is awesome because of the bold flavours, super sized portions and amazing choice. Between us we ate everything from Mexican, to Italian, to German, to Chinese just in this one restaurant which stays open 24 hours a day. We walked back to take in Times Square at night, the neon lights create a false daylight in an area where no blank space is left unexploited by advertising. The road is filled with yellow NY taxis, stretched Hummer’s and limos which are constantly beeping at each other. It was a sensory overload and after 24 waking hours we all crashed in the hotel room.
4.30, the next morning we were pleasantly awoken by an impatient truck driver’s horn in the city that never sleeps. To pass the few hours before breakfast we watched ABC’s “Good Morning America” news which was high on sensationalism, low on fact, patriotic and yet patronising. To stop our brains from turning to sludge we escaped from the T.V. and walked out onto Times Square where we watched the news we had just been watching on TV being filmed live from ABC’s Times Square studio, which was slightly surreal.
Post-breakfast we walked through New York, taking in the sights with strained necks caused by constantly looking up at the domineering skyscrapers, none more impressive than the Empire State Building which was our subsequent destination. Inside we navigated the seemingly endless maze of rope barriers before arriving at more security checks and finally the lift to the viewing deck. I soon found that a rich big breakfast of pancakes with lashings of maple syrup was not the best preparation for a trip on the “elevator” of the Empire State Building. We emerged from the lift excited at the prospect of witnessing one of the most famous views in the world. Unfortunately the view was largely obscured by the Manhattan mist however it did make the city seem all the more mystical. Looking down on the incredibly tall skyscrapers that we had just been looking up at from the street is exhilarating. The famous outlines of the Chrysler building and Rockefeller centre were still recognisable through the gloom and even Downtown briefly emerged before being swallowed again by the fog. Having been subjected to a mixture of snow, sleet and rain or “wintry mix” as the Americans call it, we descended through the bowels of the building again. Jess was then attacked by King Kong inside the ground floor art deco lobby but managed to make her heroic escape from the man dressed in the novelty gorilla suit.
We crossed the few short blocks to Grand Central Station where we sheltered from the damp conditions. Grand is a very fitting adjective to describe the main hall of the station with its majestic marble flights of stairs and dim romantic glow. Grand Central Station is the epicentre of cosmopolitan New York with people of different cultures and classes departing and arriving in the city. The suited commuters walk past the tramps going through the bins scavenging for food. There are over a hundred platforms emanating from the station excluding the subway platforms which we then scurried down to on our way to Chinatown. The subway is full of juggernauts of square metal rattling along the tracks at an unsettling speed. The large square tunnels drip with dirty water and everything seemed a bit more run down as we walked up the steps of the Subway station and into Chinatown.
Chinatown in contrast to where we had been previously was more dilapidated and urbanised. The Chinese road signs, oriental dialogue, exotic spicy smells and the fact that everyone there is Chinese made it feel like Beijing, it was only the shop keepers selling I Love NY t-shirts with American pop music blaring out from their shops that reminded me that we were still in New York. The “wintry mix” by this time had turned into plain rain. We then turned off Chinatown to find ourselves in Italy, well Little Italy where we escaped the rain and went into a little Italian restaurant fitted with Italian décor and stereotypical Old Italian owner. Little Italy is a village within a city being very quiet and European compared to the hussel and bussel of Chinatown.
Having dried off in the hotel we crowded on the subway again to arrive at a beautiful evening time Central Park, to go ice skating on its famous rink, only to find that it had closed due to cold weather. Being British we made the most of this ironical situation by indulging in a massive snowball fight in the dark, near deserted park. Surrounded by dark ominous buildings shimmering with vague light Central Park is a utopia of trees and space sandwiched into a rectangular block by a metropolis of concrete.
The next day was clear and very cold especially when waiting outside in the open for our raison d’etre in New York. It was a Media Conference with “Danny Schechter the News Dissector” at the famous Lincoln Centre. There were various esteemed speakers including Mr Schechter who challenged us to question the role that the media plays within our lives. During the conference we learnt that an incredible 20% of New York’s working population are employed in media related industries. We also learnt why New York is the most used city setting in films, because it epitomises hope and freedom, cultural diversity, the American Dream and post 9/11 defiance. The Lincoln Centre itself is the cultural core of New York and is decorated by majestic stone buildings that house the finest orchestras and operas in the world as well as media conferences.
There were no directions to Ground Zero from the subway station but after walking a few blocks it becomes apparent as a square abyss appears between the skyscrapers. For us it was incomprehensible that two towers which had previously dwarfed every other building in Manhattan had once stood there because it is such a monumental empty space. All that remains there now is a construction site with a solitary cross made from the wreckage of the World Trade Centre. Ground Zero is a solemn, quiet, void in contrast to the rest of the city which is an overly crowded, noisy, busy urban metropolis. There was not a single person in the group who was not moved by it, I think it is impossible not to be after reading the poems and epitaphs written on the walls or seeing the photographs and flowers that adorn the walkways. There was a clear azure sky overhead just like the one on the 11th September; which made it seem all the more real and moving experience. However even this most sombre site has been exploited by people trying to profit from the thousands of deaths by flogging booklets on 9/11 to gullible tourists.
We walked the short distance through the leafless Battery Park to board the Ellis Island Ferry. Before boarding we got caught up in the metal detectors and Mrs Fernandez was detained for daring to have a small pair of scissors in our first aid box. After the potentially lethal scissors had been removed we boarded the boat with clear azure skies and bright sunshine, it would have been idyllic had it not been for the bitter wind but the sight of the Statue of Liberty in front of us and the colossal Manhattan skyline behind more than made up for the cold conditions. The Statue of Liberty was smaller than I thought it would be and seeing it from behind was strange as you only ever see it front on, on TV. We stepped off the boat at Liberty Island only to have Mrs Fernandez shouting at us to get back on, realising that we were already on the last boat off Liberty Island that day.
Ellis Island is dominated by the imposing Immigration building which is now a museum that celebrates the vital role that immigrants have played in making America the country it is today. The history is palpable standing in the Great Hall even though the room is now filled with tourists and not immigrants. Passing through doors that countless millions of people had flooded through before us was spine shivering. The museum allows you to search through the records of the names of the people that travelled through the Immigration Centre, which is fascinating especially as half of all Americans can trace their family roots back to at least one person who passed through the island.
Coming back on the “Express Subway” Chris Stead started some English rapping with beat box et al, much to our amusement and the bemusement of the New Yorkers, some of whom subsequently departed our carriage. In the evening we went to a pizzeria and then onto a cinema which had nearly 20 screens on 5 floors, the screen itself was huge and the large seats reclined. We watched “16 Blocks” on its U.S. opening box office night. The film itself was set in New York and used different locations that we had travelled through during our visit. American audiences are not as restrained as British audiences when watching films, they gasp, clap, cheer and laugh at a film which was clearly not trying to be funny and a film that was undeserving of the applause it received at its formulaic conclusion, from an analytical media studies perspective obviously.
Saturday morning saw us rush to the CNN studios for a tour. Our guide was a one woman machine spewing out pre-remembered facts about CNN on an increasingly patronising tour containing irrelevances such as stone man cave drawings and Larry King’s jacket. Unfortunately we only vaguely knew who Larry King was and so we treated it with nonchalance. We got to see inside the hi-tech studios and were given a chance to present the weather. Being media analysts we started asking difficult questions, questions that our tour guide was not prepared for. Why were CNN’s computers still turned on when the offices were empty? Why were the offices empty if the news never sleeps? Why were there so few women working at CNN? What evidence does CNN have to support its own claims that it is the worlds’ most trusted news source? Obviously this tour was not designed for cynical British media students as we left the studios with a lot of under-answered questions.
We were then given four hours to explore the city in small groups where we found out that Bloomingdales was just a glorified John Lewis, 5th Avenue contained over 100 American flags and that American Coke-Cola contained no sodium. Later in the day we sadly left the Hotel Edison and New York in a beautiful evening dusk.
We departed Newark after completing yet more security checks and caught the late night red-eye flight. We all fell asleep on the plane until being rudely awakened mid-air by turbulence over the Atlantic. Gatwick seemed much more British on returning. Everything back at home seemed small, quaint and very, very quiet. New York was definitely the best school trip that I had ever been on. It’s just a shame I won’t be at school next year to do it all over again Those five days were more than just an educational media trip. It was an unforgettable life experience giving me memories that I will forever cherish of both New York and of this school. Thank you so much Mrs Fernandez for taking us.

Sunday, April 23, 2006


Project DW

For copyright reasons I have changed the names of this script I have written for a popular television programme. The characters are D (a male alien who looks like a human) and R (his feisty sidekick)

Scene 1: Inside Blue Police Box which travels in time
Chaos on board, D and R are thrown about the ship but are clearly enjoying themselves as the Blue Police Box travels on a cosmic shock wave back to Earth.
I think I feel sick
So do I but I’m not thinking about it
How long until we come off this wave?
About 17 seconds
There is a sudden jolt and the motion stops.
R: laughing on the floor
That was a short 17 seconds
That wasn’t seventeen seconds
Your watch must be out
My time keeping is perfect, thank you very much
You’re always out of time
That’s not right, we’ve crashed
Rose: sarcastically
Yeh really that’s not right
You’re not much of a driver are you?
Oi! It’s not my fault we’ve crashed into something very large and very out of place.
Oh come on, we had plenty of space, we’re surrounded by space. Only you could crash into something in the middle of space.
That’s just it, there’s nothing to crash into, its empty space, yet we crashed into something
What? The moon? Don’t tell me you’ve crash into the moon
The moon should be on the dark side of the earth, I’m of it sure, I checked it. I’m going to take a look outside.
Anything up?
D: smiling

Title sequence

The D opens the Blue Police Box door and sees nothing but stars. There is a huge draft. He is nearly thrown out as the air is sucked out of the Blue Police Box, R clings on to the console, the D clings onto the door before dragging himself inside and closing the door.

Sorry about the draft
What was that all about?
We appear to have crashed into the moon.
But isn’t the moon supposed to be on the dark side of the earth?
It’s supposed to be, but it doesn’t appear to be, does it?
R: No, so what are we going to do?

Saturday, April 08, 2006


NY Spoof Newspaper Article

NY Terrorist Attack Defeated!

New York 03/03 –
America is on a Red Terror Alert after an international incident.
A terrorist attack has been foiled by American security personnel. The World famous Ellis Island Ferry was to be the target, an American symbol. The terrorist tried to smuggle a weapon on board the ferry which could have potentially endangered hundreds of lives. Security staff bravely neutralised the situation before the American public could be put in major danger.

The terrorist tried to smuggle aboard a dangerous pair of scissors cleverly disguised within a British “First Aid Box” but the disguise was futile as patriotic American metal detectors quickly detected it. The NYPD CTU said they were searching for a suspected suspect who went by the name of “Fernando”. Police appealed to the public to search for Fernando and set up a special incident line for anyone who is suspicious or who has any information (9112001).

The suspect was disguised as a teacher from a school in England, Europe but suspicion was soon aroused by security staff as no school children were in sight. Later it was revealed that there was an English school party aboard to who Fernando had tried to associate with. Police are interested to question the school party as they may have more information on Fernando. Several other lines of enquiry are being pursued including unconfirmed reports of a suspicious Welsh woman and a suspected communist in a Russian hat being on the boat. The CIA are now investigating possible connections with the incident to Iraq. Leads are also being followed after a possible connection to the Great Tonbridge Robbery, England where $92 million was stolen. Passengers overheard three young males who allegedly were from the village talking of how they were going to spend the money.

The terrorist managed to escape onto the boat scissorless from where they made their escape. Police lost the terrorist in the resulting chase. The boat they were on could have gone anywhere although they were keen to trace a boat which was called “Ellis Island Ferry” even though its final destination was unknown. The lead went cold as Police do not know where the terrorist went. Reports from the public flooded in a few hours later as a “Fernandez” was reported on the subway heading towards Times Square. Police dismissed this as a hoax caller who was found out after speaking of a posh Englishman rapping on the subway.

After hearing of the incident President Bush promised to use the full force of the Patriot Act. Anyone in America called Fernando or with a Hispanic background will be arrested indefinitely. The President himself was taken to a top secret nuclear bunker under Camp David. George W Bush was to be arrested earlier in the day for starting an “illegal” war in Iraq but after the events in New York yesterday he was cleared as the CIA tried to link the incident with Iraq, Al-Queda and Osama Bin Laden. Rising numbers of these terrorist incidents give indisputable evidence that the terrorist threat is growing. Security is set to be re-tightened as all foreigners will be quarantined until they are found innocent of any wrong doing.

Friday, April 07, 2006


Soap Spoof (Part 6)

Luke is in bed, Brenda is under the covers

Luke: I’m so happy Brenda now that we are married. Everything is perfect. Nothing can ever go wrong again. Well unless anyone finds out about our secret marriage…which they won’t. That’s the kind of thing that only happens in magazines.


Daniel is trying to get Luke to stop drinking another bottle. Luke is an alcoholic who is currently drinking.

Daniel: Luke, I think that you have had enough.
Luke: I’ve had enough of you.
Daniel: That’s it I’m taking the bottle

Daniel takes the bottle.

Luke: I’ve lost my bottle. Hey you took it, stop looking after me; it’s not as if you’re my father or anything.
Daniel: Oh yes I am!
Luke: What?
Daniel: I am your father Luke.
Luke: No!
Daniel: It is your destiny… to join me down the pub and talk about this.

Luke retakes the bottle and takes a swig from it.

Luke: In the pub eh? Ah ok then.


In the pub

Luke: So if you are my father. You lied to me. Which means you might have lied about other things as well.
Daniel: Yes I have lied in the past.
Luke: How can I believe that? Maybe you are still lying now.
Daniel: Look it doesn’t matter if I’m lying or not. What matters is that you found out. Think of it as a surprise.
Luke: I don’t like surprises.
Daniel: You might not like what I have to tell you then, son.
Luke: Tell me!
Daniel: Well as well as secretly being your father, I am also the father of John.
Luke: Bloody hell. I’m shocked, that’s mind-blowing.
Daniel: I’m also the secret father of Mark, Peter….and Saddam.
Luke: All my friends!
Daniel: ....And Shelia…Britney…Kylie… and Brenda.
Luke: Brenda! But she’s my partner! My half-sister is my sexual partner!
Daniel: What?!?!
Luke: My half-sister is my sexual partner!
Daniel: Saying it twice doesn’t make it any less sickening.
Luke: You might not like what I have to say next then.
Daniel: Go on…
Luke: She isn’t my partner…
Daniel: Few, thank god for that.
Luke: She is my wife.
Daniel: Aggghhhh!!!!
Luke: I married my own half-sister in a secret marriage, which no one knew about, until now. Man, I need a drink, where’s my bottle?

Daniel drinks the rest of the contents from the bottle and passes out.

Luke: My god you impregnated all those women and you’re not even that attractive. I’m sleeping with my half sister? I think I’m gona be sick.


Soap Spoof (Part 5)

Luke and John are sitting.

Tom: So how are we gona pull these birds?
John: We don’t want any kind of birds. I don’t wana be called a bird fancier. I want the really sophisticated ones, the intelligent ones, like lesbian feminists.
Luke: How are we gona do that then? The thing about feminists is that they hate men. The thing about lesbians is that they prefer women. Also feminist lesbians aren’t sluts. So our chances of pulling are slim.
John: For most men the chances would be slim, but are we like most men? No. I have a plan.
Tom: The last time you had a plan our wives ended up dead as we cut the breaks to Conan’s car to try and kill him coz he slept with our wives – at the same time. However he conveniently took the bus that day, whilst our wives who’s getaway car from their ambitious bank heist had been clamped, stole Conan’s car resulting in hilarious consequences and their subsequent tragic deaths.
John: Oh Yeh thanks for reminding me. But don’t worry this plan is fool-proof even for fools.


John and Tom in what appears to be a feminist bar dressed in women’s clothes.

John: So far your plan isn’t working.
Luke: Give it time.

Two women approach them.

Girl 1: What are two nice lady’s like you doing in a bar like this? Would you like to sleep with us?
John: Score!


John, who is in bed, wakes up suddenly.

John: What have I done? That woman wasn’t a feminist lesbian! She was a transvestite! Agghhhh!!!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


Clouded Thoughts (Working Title)

Silently clouds castaway
Towards their destination
The horizon unmissable
Seen in every direction

Endless travelling
Yet failing to reach an end
A futile destiny
They will never comprehend

Reality remembered again
Causing confusion
A weightless substance
An opaque illusion

Escaping gravity
On an energy of pure synergy
Elevating thoughts
Of imaginary imagery

Seas reflect blue skies
In which you sail
Intense azure
Contrasting with prominent pale

The tempestuous sea of tranquillity
Inverse reflection
Revealing my infidelity

Dreams shattered
Woken by dazzling light
Cold sun eclipsed
By shining cloud of white

Clouds untouchable
Remain eminently visible
Me being grounded
To you I am invisible


Soap Spoof (Part 4)

Mark beats up a person before dropping him to the floor.

Simon: Right we’ve questioned everyone now and no one knows nothing.
Mark: Right, should we stop this siege then? The hostages are getting restless.

Long shot of the cast all tied up and gagged.

Simon: There is one person I haven’t questioned.
Mark: Who?
Simon: You!
Mark: You starting something?
They slap each other in the face and get into a fight.

Enter Mum

Mum: There’s nothing brotherly about this love.
Simon: Mum!
Mark: Mum!
Simon: Jesus Christ your alive-again!
Mum: Yes I’ve resurrected myself. Nah I was never dead in the first place.
Mark: How?
Mum: I faked my own death in Europe and came home to regain the family business. I did this by rekindling my secret love affair with Conan.
Conan: That was Conan’s secret! Conan will never live this down, Conan will have his revenge!

Conan storms out.

Mum: Yes I used him to get the family business back and I brought my sons closer together in doing so. (HUGS THEM) From now on everything is gona be good.

Enter the Police

Policeman 1: Mrs ____?
Mum: Yes
Policeman 1: I’m Inspector Moose, Sonill police station. You’re under arrest. We smashed your porn ring earlier today.
Simon: Not the family business!
Policeman 1: Yes, the family business, porn and obscene porn at that. Oh Mrs Turner you’re also under arrest for impersonating the living.
Mum: Not again!


Soap Spoof (Part 3)

Conan is sitting at the desk with the business when Mark and Simon come in.

Conan: Conan says go away, Conan doesn’t like you, Conan likes women.
Simon: You own something of ours, our family business which you cheated me out of in a game of poker. We want it back.
Conan: Conan says he won it fair and square.
Simon: You cheated me; now I’m gona hurt you.
Conan: Conan asks are you going to hurt me financially?
Mark: Nah, in the balls, until you give our business back.
Conan: Conan doesn’t have your business. Conan gave it away.
Simon: Who did you give it to?
Conan: Your mum! Ah sorry, Conan gave it to your mum.
Simon: But mum is dead!
Conan: Conan cashed a check from her just yesterday. Conan shouldn’t have said that. Conan shouldn’t have said that either.
Simon: We are being embezzled! Someone’s gona pay for this.

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