Tuesday, March 09, 2010
v.01
One Liners
She took lip gloss on a camping trip
Fuck you in defiance
As I won’t be able to see them in person, give my regards to the funeral directors
Juan Kerr, Dick Goodhead,
Forgotten memories
We had our suspicions when he lost interest in his girlfriend shortly after she grew her hair long
Process of osmosis
My friend lost her virginity on the steps of the cenotaph
Gambling doesn’t discriminate, any idiot can be lucky.
Any lucky loser can become a millionaire
The last survivor died today
Only dead fish go with the flow
Frozen Smoke
Cocaine doesn’t snort itself
I went to a sex addiction clinic
What happened?
Descended into an orgy, it did every week
A blind eyewitness
Is ugly in an attractive way
Babies – nature’s way of encouraging abstinence
Families are never truthful with each other, that’s why they’re called families.
He uses ambulances like taxis
There’s jobs going at the hotel if you get really desperate
I am desperate
Not this desperate, it means working nights, you have to attend to the needs of the guests
Prostitute?
No
You’re seriously suggesting I prostitute myself out
I’m not talking about prostitution
What are you talking about then call girl? Escort?
Night Porter!
Anonymous Valentine’s Day cards
My breath smelt of garlic so I didn’t kiss any strangers on the plus side I didn’t get killed by any vampires
At least I’m not an 18 year old divorcee
Valentine’s Day, desperate girls and delusional couples
You divorce morality from practicality
Cappuccino without the froth please
My grandma had what we think might now have been the oldest dog in the world, until it died
Pretending to be myself
In a film adaptation of the history of the world my life would be a deleted scene
Saving money by staying single
I’m pregnant
Commiserations!
Why aren’t you talking to her?
No, I’m talking to her
You didn’t say a single thing to her all day
That’s because she’s not talking to me
There’s a difference?
Worst birthday ever
You’re offended that I wouldn’t consider paying you for sex? Surely I was being kind
I know my own name, don’t need a nametag to tell me that
It’s so that other people know who you are
Legs seem to be becoming a running theme here
It hurts when I smile
Feel like a pensioner waking up in a teenager’s bedroom
Where’s Britain’s Dunkirk spirit gone?
France?
The capital of Belgium is…?
Brussels
You know they named the city after the Sprouts
I thought it was the other way around
What? There’s a town in Belgium called Sprouts?
That time you stopped me putting my head in the oven, you saved my life
You do have an electric oven though, so at worst you might have signed an ear
I was about ready to put my head in the oven
But you have an electric one
Yeh lucky I got there when I did
Saved me from singeing an ear
Don’t you remember the last year’s office Christmas party?
Remember it? I’ve still got the photocopies
Bet I’m better at sex than you
Can we both have sex with you to find out who’s better?
No, none of my grandparents ever met each other
My mum found you sexy
What would my girlfriend say?
Is there any particular reason why you appear to be cutting out holes in condoms?
I’m trying to impregnate my boss
How are you going to do that, you’re not even sleeping together
No but her boyfriend still is
And you’re trying to get them to have a baby because…?
I hate her
If you have to know, I’m after her job, only way I can prove that I’m better at doing her job than she is, is to actually do it for a few months
I’ve heard of people trying to sleep their way to the top
Some people try to sleep their way to the top, you’re too lazy to even do they
Do you have a rape whistle?
No…
Fancy a drink?
Yeh you were sleeping with her, mind you she was just sleeping
I didn’t cheat on you, I just forgot that we were going out
I’m so sad, my boyfriend broke up with me today
Which one?
There’s one thing I will never forget… what was it again?
Don’t ever grow old
I’ll try my best
Life is a million stories, most of which never get beyond the first chapter
A thousand beginnings but not a single ending
Is always lying, except about that
The walls of the halls
Still talking to your imaginary friend?
Please don’t talk about my God like that
I’m confiscating your portable music player. Give me your hip-pod.
Sir it’s called an I-pod
Well it’s my pod now until the end of today
The school clock’s wrong
The clock stopped years ago. Never did find what’s wrong with it. Plenty more clocks around here though.
It looks very retro-futuristic, in other words, old
He was old when I was young
Amnesia is a side-effect of excessive alcohol consumption; remember me telling you that yesterday?... No didn’t think so
He’s even hotter, you’re even drunker
I’m a friend of Dorothy’s
Metaphorical miles
I wish I could photoshop my life, I could to with sharpening up my image
I’m as depressed as a fat man at a salad bar
I miss you like a fish misses water
Optimism? Another word for delusion
Juvenile Men
It’s reassuring to know that I can't make the theatre I'm working at any more obscure than it already is
I’d love to live in a world where everything written on the internet was actually true. There would be so many more lesbian marriages, alien abductions and celebrity sex scandals
I was getting paid to not work when on the dole but now I'm starting my internship I work but don't get paid, how does that work?
An internship, halfway between employment and slavery
You’re about as original as an echo. Unique Echo.
Isabelle’s ex was a fencer but she had to ditch him because he was getting too touché feely for her.
Phone call at a funeral – ‘no he won’t want double glazing, he’s dead. I don’t care what your files say, I’m at his funeral as we speak’
It’s black/More like dark blue
In funeral ceremony – ‘oh God, I think I’ve got the wrong funeral’. Mobile phone goes off.
Metaphorically/methodically
Don’t swear in-front of my grandmother
What does it matter? She can’t hear me, she’s deaf
Yeh but she can still lip read
Shi-
If you’re going to keep swearing then at least clench your teeth
Isabelle only hears what she wants to. Selective hearing
Sorry, what did you just say?
I can’t tell whether you’re being ironic or not
I hate how you answer every question with another question
Do I?
They were all applauding me
It was a slow hand clap to force you off the stage
Always go to the toilet before you relieve yourself
Using my dole money to slowly pay off my student debt
I always won races at sports day as a kid
It did help that you always ran in the girls races, no matter how much the teachers tried to stop you
I’ve never seen myself sleeping. How could you?
I did once, it was awful… a sex tape that went on far too long
You still play with sock puppets?
Well got to give your hand something to do when he’s not…
Who said anything about putting it on my hand?
I’ve never needed contraception, I have a penis
What do contraceptives actually look like?
Have you never been out with someone who has taken them?
The girls I’ve met have never needed them
No, to some girls Simon himself is a form of contraceptive. One look from him puts them off men for good.
I was going to join the debating team but I got talked out of it
Thank you so very much for the money you gave me for the skydive. Unfortunately I survived so you all have to cough up that donation you promised
Oh no, you survived jumping out of a plane
Sorry yeh that’s a fiver you owe
You want the remote?
Yeh, anything on?
No, it’s why I gave you the remote
That old saying 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained' is fast becoming just 'nothing gained'
Today is today, it’s always today, it’s never not today
Running a marathon in heels
Not my fault I failed my test first time
You knocked someone over!
He threw himself at my car! They shouldn’t run test routes past psychiatric wards
You’re such a liar
No I’m not!
There you go again, always lying…
6 times more likely to commit suicide than be murdered
The apple doesn’t have an opinion, it’s an inanimate object
Orange called to tell me I have now been with them for two years. I left a month ago because they were incompetent. Glad to see I was proved right.
I make her scream at night
Yeh with fright at your astonishing ugliness
A wheel is just a square with the corners rounded off
That’s the benefit of benefits
You know you’re parents are getting old when you have to start telling your dad when to go to bed
I’d rather be poor and healthy than rich and dead
My wisdom teeth never came through, am I not wise?
All the midwives are on maternity leave
People love talking about the past because they were part of it. People hate the future because the only certainty is that, one day, they won’t be.
What’s the first rule of driving?
Keep your eyes open
You ain’t seen nothing until you’ve seen a horse and cart doing a reverse three point turn
The main difference between F1 and cricket is that when it rains F1 becomes more exciting whilst cricket becomes less
I don’t have a fear of flying, I have a fear of falling
(After birthday) so depressing, have to wait a whole another year for that again
I’ve only got love for you if you were actually born in the 80s
Keep blowing those bubbles kid coz when you grow-up it all goes to shit
Constantly losing people you care about, in the end you just stop caring
Greatness Road
I’m becoming a vegetarian, going cold turkey and everything, slightly unfortunate phrasing there, not that I’m always thinking about eating meat because I’m not, hardly ever think about it
It’s like bribing me with my own money
You’re obsessed with sport, I say Cambridge and Oxford, you think Conference football teams, not prestigious universities
Morals, just another thing that gets in the way of fun
Flattery, deception, same thing isn’t it?
The times are bad. I had a serious discussion with my parents about becoming a male escort over tea today, they were in favour of it too
You’re about as sexually liberated as a Catholic Priest
Has it really been 8 weeks already? I only saw you 2 months back
He was a photographer until he went blind
Either be happy together or happy apart but don’t be between the two and unhappy
For as long as I can remember I’ve had memories
Twitter – celebrity stalking for lazy people
What next on BBC 3? Celebrity Bomb Disposal
Religion, it’s all just an elaborate conspiracy theory about death
The suffragettes never did anything for me
At half price so I can buy twice as much!
Everyone knows that all generalizations are always wrong
It either makes it much more likely… or a lot less
I’m going to live forever or die trying
It was a choice between going to boys’ grammar and receiving a good education, or going to the mixed comprehensive and receiving a sex education
I always tell the truth, having said that I am a compulsive liar, but of course I could be lying about that
Adults that are sexually attracted to teenagers are called hebophiles
Accismus Productions means 'the pretence of turning down something desperately wanted'
It’s not that I’m a bad gambler; it’s just that teams don’t get the results they’re supposed to
You never hear ice-cream vans chiming anymore
My mum always used to tell me that the chimes meant they've run out of ice cream
What did I want to be when I was growing up? A: Grown-up
What do I want to be now that I am grown-up? A: Not grown-up
I’m indecisive, well no I mean I say that but sometimes I’m quite good at making decisions when I need to be but then again I do spend hours in the supermarket choosing between different brands and I’m not great at making my mind up I probably am indecisive but not always
I’ve gone 9 and half days without drinking, not that I’m counting or anything
I once made out with my ethics teacher
I did consider being spontaneous but by the time I’d thought about it the moment had passed
I’m not argumentative and I’m not in denial!
Ever thought that pessimism maybe self-fulfilling?
You use pub as a verb
I’m a compulsive liar but then again I don’t always tell the truth
I tell the truth 75% of the time/ I am however a compulsive liar but of course I might be lying about that
Fat girls float best
I never used to like my chest hair but it’s growing on me
‘Love’s Labours Won’ being lost forever, you can’t write irony like that
Well you can but then you’d have to lose what you’d written
I’m just as famous as any celebrity before they were famous
I’ve never been so old – (birthday)
The moment I stop thinking I’m insane is the moment that I actually will be
Only someone who was sane would actually doubt their insanity
If God had wanted us to lick our own balls he wouldn’t have inserted our bottom three ribs would he?
It’s not rape if you shout ‘surprise’ first
The difference between tragedy and comedy is simply a matter of perspective
I can’t afford to be an alcoholic
Can’t afford to be a professional gambler, not yet anyway
You started every sentence with ‘I’m not alcoholic but…’
Anyone who says they’re drunk actually isn’t drunk enough
Even my stalker hates me
Napoleon was a lesbian
If I knew where I’d been I wouldn’t have been lost in the first place
She wasn’t dead after all but was still on the run from the morgue and subsequently arrested for impersonating the living
If only life was scripted then I’d always know what to say
His imaginary friend is fed up of being ignored by everyone, he wants you all to take him seriously
The Anti-Sobriety coalition
There will be no tolerance towards traitors or those who show tolerance towards traitors
Infinity is impossibility
I want to do a learn-from-home course on economics but I just can’t afford it at the moment what with the new T.V. and all the bills constantly going up
I’m sleeping with a necrophiliac/insomniac
And then he threw up on the war memorial
You were in my dream last night… don’t worry it wasn’t a wet dream or anything
And your accountant called to say that you can’t afford to have anymore children
I want to be a funeral director, job with a future; people are always going to die
I was only making out with her so that we didn’t have to talk
No password
The bravest men get shot quickest
You’re so sexist, for a woman
I have a complex relationship with cheese
Every adult was once a child
Dialogue
What’s your highest 3 dart score?
290
How did you get 290 from just 3 darts?
Practice
Is it today or still yesterday?
Today, it’s always today, it’s never not today
SIMON
So are you over Isabelle yet?
DANNY
Yeh of course I am, it has been over a year
SIMON
Wasn’t so long ago that you were both in love. What if you’re wrong about being over her?
DANNY
I’m never wrong about these things
SIMON
Yeh you are, frequently. You just never admit to it
DANNY
Name me a time when I’ve been wrong
SIMON
I’m not saying anything
DANNY
Well you are, you’re saying ‘I’m not saying anything’. What do you mean by that?
SIMON
Ok, ok. Honestly, in my opinion, I think you’re a little bit in denial
DANNY
I’m not in denial! No-way, not me, never
SIMON
If you’re not in denial then you’re definitely being argumentative
DANNY
I’m not argumentative either!
SIMON
Yeh you are
DANNY
No I’m not!
SIMON
You so are!
DANNY
I’m not argumentative and I’m definitely not in denial! And at least I’m not, not saying anything
I’ve found a £10 an hour job
What is it?
A model for life drawing classes
You’re getting paid to take your clothes off, that’s one step away from being a male stripper, which is itself one step away from being a gigolo
I couldn’t do that
Why not?
Being naked, in front of a load of strangers. What if… you know… what if you got… aroused
Sitting in-front of some ugly fat middle aged women is hardly sexy
Don’t know about anyone else in here but whenever I’ve been naked in-front of a woman I’ve been aroused
ISABELLE
Don’t you ever harass me again! And at a funeral of all places
DANNY
I was complimenting you!
ISABELLE
No you were sexually harassing me
SIMON
What did you say this time?
DANNY
I said that Isabelle looked nice today
ISABELLE
No you said I was looking sexy
DANNY
And… what’s the difference? I don’t understand. I try paying you a compliment and get accused of harassment. And the worst of it is that if I hadn’t have paid you a compliment you’d have had a got a me for that as well.
Isabelle storms out of the car off
SIMON
Wouldn’t worry about it mate. When will women understand that all flattery is simply deception anyway?
I’m never wrong
No you’re not, you simply never admit you’re wrong
You can’t lie on your CV
I didn’t!
Previous employment, Professional job hunter, 2009 to present, that isn’t a job it’s a contradiction
I’m speechless
No you’re not
Why are you buying him clothes? He’s already got some
Because when we go out together I want him to look nice
What if he likes what he’s already got?
Well I don’t like what he’s already good, I want him to look as good as I will
He won’t want to wear that
He’ll wear what I tell him to
Girls, you never grow up do you? When you’re young you play with dolls, comb their hair dress them up, then you get older and instead of growing out of it you just find bigger more expensive and life-like dolls to dress. Your imposing yourself on him
What you eating?
Bread sandwich
What’s in it?
Two slices of bread with a third slice in-between
Then that’s not a sandwich, it’s just bread. Why don’t you put some cheese in there?
Better not, I have a complex relationship with cheese
No-one spends all their time thinking about you
I do!
Nothing but silence
It’s technically not silence if you talk through it
Are you vegetarian then?
Well, I eat fish
Which either makes you a pescetarian or a hypocrite
Can you smell toast?
No
You know that’s the first sign that you’re having a heart attack
Great so either I’m about to have a heart attack or someone’s making breakfast without me
I’m all for a republic. Don’t see why we should have to pay for a posh family to live a life of luxury
They only cost the taxpayer 63p per person per year, it’s nothing
63p? Nothing? I could buy a Peanut Butter Kit-Kat Chunky for that
Are we seriously arguing confectionary over monarchy?
I can live without the monarchy, couldn’t live without chocolate
This is silly, you don’t even pay the tax, you’re unemployed. You’re all on the dole so none of you are paying for the monarchy.
She’s not imaginary
Already one up on most your previous girlfriends then
You don’t drink alcohol for the taste, no-one likes the taste of alcohol, it tastes like poison! It is technically a poison! But you drink it because it makes you feel drunk. You don’t take medicine for the taste you drink it to make you better
Are you seriously comparing alcohol to medicine?
There’s only one type of person I’d ignore you for
What types that then?
Women
If Hilary Clinton had been elected would Bill Clinton have been the First Lady or the first, First Man
I’m 21! I can’t be going bald, my dad still has all his hair
Yeh but hair-loss is inherited from your mother’s side
But my mum’s not bald
No but what-about your granddad?
He’s dead
Yeh, I think death is hereditary too, but before your granddad died was he…?
Bald, yeh very bald, bald by 25 oh… I’m going bald before my dad
You lied to me. Which means you might have lied about other things as well.
Yes, ok, I have lied but I’m lying now
How can I believe that? Maybe you are still lying now.
It doesn’t matter if I’m lying or not. What matters is that you found out. Think of it as a surprise
I don’t like surprises
You might not like what I have to tell you then
She was just killed by the script writer who randomly threw a silenced gun into the narrative
How dare you scriptwriter! You public menace! We would live in peace if it weren’t for you putting guns on our streets! Making characters do uncharacteristic things just to develop the plot like having everyone fall in love and sleeping with each other for increasingly silly reasons like every time two totally mismatched characters get together because it’s a Wednesday just to get another character jealous enough to kill the first character in time for the Friday cliff-hanger
Whilst that’s all true I have just had an existential crisis and screwed the scriptwriter to get the family business back and I brought my sons closer together in doing so. From now on everything is going to be good.
Do you not believe in equality?
I will believe in true equality when men are born with wombs
Wouldn’t that make everyman a woman?
A womb-man
I’m rich
You’re stone broke!
Well I’m rich… comparatively
Comparatively?
Yeh in comparison to a third world orphan I’m rich, very rich. I mean obviously I’m not rich in comparison to Bill Gates or the Queen or most normal people
How did he write his autobiography? I thought he was dead
Yeh he wrote his autobiography posthumously
Believe me I’m not paranoid
I never said you were
You thought it though didn’t you?
No, course not
You’re not being honest with me; just admit it! You think I’m paranoid
Ok now I think you’re paranoid
I trust you less than you trust me, trust me about it.
If you do trust me less than I trust you then I don’t trust you at all
He’s the Angel of Death
Although we prefer to be called euthangels
What’s everyone’s biggest fantasy?
I fantasize about Harry, Ron and Hermonie having threesomes
That sick! Distorting wholesome children’s literature like that
I’d have a threesome with them
Wouldn’t that then be a foursome?
I so would Emma Watson
Yeh Emma Watson’s buff
I’d like to see her in the buff
Fancying Emma Watson is wrong. Just wrong, do you perv over her when watching the Philosophers Stone?
No! She’s like 11 in that
Although I did perv over her when I was 11, seeing it for the first time, she was my first crush
It’s wrong, you’ve watched her grow-up. It’s a wrong as, I don’t know, seeing your sister in her pants
Since when have you seen my sister in her pants?
I don’t know what men see in her, I mean she’s not that pretty, she has weird eyebrows
Yeh I agree
Women, you always find fault
Well I suppose her eyebrows aren’t that weird
No, not compared to Billie Piper
She’s weird looking. It’s like all the parts of her face, her eyebrows, her nose, her lips, her eyes are all competing for attention with each other
Men don’t care for such petty imperfections though
Yeh Billie Piper can play with my sonic screwdriver anytime she wants
I can’t ever remember a time when I was wrong
You’re frequently wrong you simply never admit to it
There’s nothing to admit, I’m never wrong. My greatest strength is that I have no weaknesses.
There was a marriage in the village I was working in and they had a festival to celebrate. Went on for days it did. The entire village getting completely lashed on Sorghum which is this sweet Kenyan moonshine, very strong it is. Unfortunately one man drank too much and died. So the following day they had a funeral for him, celebrated his life by drinking more Sorghum despite the nature of his demise. Later his relatives, worse for wear end up squabbling over his inheritance and eventually one stabs the other and sadly he died. Horrific it was, luckily I didn’t see it but there was screaming and whimpering all through the night
I’ve never been asked out
We can’t have that, I’ll ask you out
Really?
Well only if you promise to say no, of course
Why ask if you don’t actually want to go out with me?
So that you can say that someone has asked you out and that you turned them down
How is you telling me to turn you down confidence
Jim and Simon having a meal together when Simon’s sister comes over
What you doing here?
Having a meal with my girlie friends. Why, what you doing?
Eating, just eating
Ok don’t want to interrupt you’re romantic gay-date for two
If you didn’t want to interrupt us then why did you come over? We’re just two friends having lunch. Why do you assume we’re having a gay-date? You’re here with you’re girlfriends, I don’t assume that you’re all having a lesbian orgy afterwards
Just to clarify you’re not are you?
You don’t need to get it out, really put it back in… woah that is big
Yeh most girls can’t handle it, Isabelle struggles with the size of it
What you talking about?
Size of Ed’s tongue
Scenes/ideas
Undercover/covered/cover me
Young Man driving a car when phone ring-tone rings
YM: Hello
Voice Off-Stage: This isn’t funny anymore
YM laughs
Cut to VOS on mobile phone in boot of car
CU tracking shot along the floor. A man and woman heard giggling naughty. Socks come into view, followed by trousers, a shirt, a dress, a bra. More laughing and then a pair of pants and knickers are seen. Pan up to reveal a washing machine, the door closed by a hand, pan right shows ____ and ______ doing their laundry, having fun.
Trying to get a girl to take off her clothes for an arty film the boys have been asked to do. Girls steal camera and sneak in bedroom to film ____ getting changed.
Journalist making the news in-order to get a headline
Why are you so desperate to watch it, you know what’s going to happen
I know what happens, I don’t know how it happens, that’s why I want to watch
What just happened there?
I don’t know I missed it
What’s the point of us watching it if you can’t tell me what happens?
Hearing half a phone conversation
Death certificate
Chlamydia Screening
1 in 10 young people sexually active young people are infected with Chlamydia
Birthday party cake with candles on and lit. Man takes out hand held electric fan to blow candles out.
Wireless controllers
Finding parents condoms
CU of handheld gun CUT TO child holding the gun
Corpse revealed to be a man pretending to be dead
Movie Cliché’s
CHASES
Woman falls to the ground whilst being chased by a bad guy, even when running over level, unobstructed terrain. Note that when a man and woman are being chased, usually the woman falls, then the man pauses and helps her up.
He’s going to die/How do you know that?/ He’s coughing/It’s only a cough/People in films only cough if they’re about to die
Interesting Words
Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours, or by justifying or rationalizing their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours.
Production Company Names
Retcon Productions (Retroactive Continuity)
Deus Ex Machina Productions
Far Sight Productions
Unique Echo Productions
Asynchronous Productions
Inverse Reflection Productions
Paradox Productions
Cognitive Dissonant Productions
Synergetic Productions
Flashback Productions
Placement Productions
Productions Previously
Names
Bryony Shaw
Mike Hawke
She took lip gloss on a camping trip
Fuck you in defiance
As I won’t be able to see them in person, give my regards to the funeral directors
Juan Kerr, Dick Goodhead,
Forgotten memories
We had our suspicions when he lost interest in his girlfriend shortly after she grew her hair long
Process of osmosis
My friend lost her virginity on the steps of the cenotaph
Gambling doesn’t discriminate, any idiot can be lucky.
Any lucky loser can become a millionaire
The last survivor died today
Only dead fish go with the flow
Frozen Smoke
Cocaine doesn’t snort itself
I went to a sex addiction clinic
What happened?
Descended into an orgy, it did every week
A blind eyewitness
Is ugly in an attractive way
Babies – nature’s way of encouraging abstinence
Families are never truthful with each other, that’s why they’re called families.
He uses ambulances like taxis
There’s jobs going at the hotel if you get really desperate
I am desperate
Not this desperate, it means working nights, you have to attend to the needs of the guests
Prostitute?
No
You’re seriously suggesting I prostitute myself out
I’m not talking about prostitution
What are you talking about then call girl? Escort?
Night Porter!
Anonymous Valentine’s Day cards
My breath smelt of garlic so I didn’t kiss any strangers on the plus side I didn’t get killed by any vampires
At least I’m not an 18 year old divorcee
Valentine’s Day, desperate girls and delusional couples
You divorce morality from practicality
Cappuccino without the froth please
My grandma had what we think might now have been the oldest dog in the world, until it died
Pretending to be myself
In a film adaptation of the history of the world my life would be a deleted scene
Saving money by staying single
I’m pregnant
Commiserations!
Why aren’t you talking to her?
No, I’m talking to her
You didn’t say a single thing to her all day
That’s because she’s not talking to me
There’s a difference?
Worst birthday ever
You’re offended that I wouldn’t consider paying you for sex? Surely I was being kind
I know my own name, don’t need a nametag to tell me that
It’s so that other people know who you are
Legs seem to be becoming a running theme here
It hurts when I smile
Feel like a pensioner waking up in a teenager’s bedroom
Where’s Britain’s Dunkirk spirit gone?
France?
The capital of Belgium is…?
Brussels
You know they named the city after the Sprouts
I thought it was the other way around
What? There’s a town in Belgium called Sprouts?
That time you stopped me putting my head in the oven, you saved my life
You do have an electric oven though, so at worst you might have signed an ear
I was about ready to put my head in the oven
But you have an electric one
Yeh lucky I got there when I did
Saved me from singeing an ear
Don’t you remember the last year’s office Christmas party?
Remember it? I’ve still got the photocopies
Bet I’m better at sex than you
Can we both have sex with you to find out who’s better?
No, none of my grandparents ever met each other
My mum found you sexy
What would my girlfriend say?
Is there any particular reason why you appear to be cutting out holes in condoms?
I’m trying to impregnate my boss
How are you going to do that, you’re not even sleeping together
No but her boyfriend still is
And you’re trying to get them to have a baby because…?
I hate her
If you have to know, I’m after her job, only way I can prove that I’m better at doing her job than she is, is to actually do it for a few months
I’ve heard of people trying to sleep their way to the top
Some people try to sleep their way to the top, you’re too lazy to even do they
Do you have a rape whistle?
No…
Fancy a drink?
Yeh you were sleeping with her, mind you she was just sleeping
I didn’t cheat on you, I just forgot that we were going out
I’m so sad, my boyfriend broke up with me today
Which one?
There’s one thing I will never forget… what was it again?
Don’t ever grow old
I’ll try my best
Life is a million stories, most of which never get beyond the first chapter
A thousand beginnings but not a single ending
Is always lying, except about that
The walls of the halls
Still talking to your imaginary friend?
Please don’t talk about my God like that
I’m confiscating your portable music player. Give me your hip-pod.
Sir it’s called an I-pod
Well it’s my pod now until the end of today
The school clock’s wrong
The clock stopped years ago. Never did find what’s wrong with it. Plenty more clocks around here though.
It looks very retro-futuristic, in other words, old
He was old when I was young
Amnesia is a side-effect of excessive alcohol consumption; remember me telling you that yesterday?... No didn’t think so
He’s even hotter, you’re even drunker
I’m a friend of Dorothy’s
Metaphorical miles
I wish I could photoshop my life, I could to with sharpening up my image
I’m as depressed as a fat man at a salad bar
I miss you like a fish misses water
Optimism? Another word for delusion
Juvenile Men
It’s reassuring to know that I can't make the theatre I'm working at any more obscure than it already is
I’d love to live in a world where everything written on the internet was actually true. There would be so many more lesbian marriages, alien abductions and celebrity sex scandals
I was getting paid to not work when on the dole but now I'm starting my internship I work but don't get paid, how does that work?
An internship, halfway between employment and slavery
You’re about as original as an echo. Unique Echo.
Isabelle’s ex was a fencer but she had to ditch him because he was getting too touché feely for her.
Phone call at a funeral – ‘no he won’t want double glazing, he’s dead. I don’t care what your files say, I’m at his funeral as we speak’
It’s black/More like dark blue
In funeral ceremony – ‘oh God, I think I’ve got the wrong funeral’. Mobile phone goes off.
Metaphorically/methodically
Don’t swear in-front of my grandmother
What does it matter? She can’t hear me, she’s deaf
Yeh but she can still lip read
Shi-
If you’re going to keep swearing then at least clench your teeth
Isabelle only hears what she wants to. Selective hearing
Sorry, what did you just say?
I can’t tell whether you’re being ironic or not
I hate how you answer every question with another question
Do I?
They were all applauding me
It was a slow hand clap to force you off the stage
Always go to the toilet before you relieve yourself
Using my dole money to slowly pay off my student debt
I always won races at sports day as a kid
It did help that you always ran in the girls races, no matter how much the teachers tried to stop you
I’ve never seen myself sleeping. How could you?
I did once, it was awful… a sex tape that went on far too long
You still play with sock puppets?
Well got to give your hand something to do when he’s not…
Who said anything about putting it on my hand?
I’ve never needed contraception, I have a penis
What do contraceptives actually look like?
Have you never been out with someone who has taken them?
The girls I’ve met have never needed them
No, to some girls Simon himself is a form of contraceptive. One look from him puts them off men for good.
I was going to join the debating team but I got talked out of it
Thank you so very much for the money you gave me for the skydive. Unfortunately I survived so you all have to cough up that donation you promised
Oh no, you survived jumping out of a plane
Sorry yeh that’s a fiver you owe
You want the remote?
Yeh, anything on?
No, it’s why I gave you the remote
That old saying 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained' is fast becoming just 'nothing gained'
Today is today, it’s always today, it’s never not today
Running a marathon in heels
Not my fault I failed my test first time
You knocked someone over!
He threw himself at my car! They shouldn’t run test routes past psychiatric wards
You’re such a liar
No I’m not!
There you go again, always lying…
6 times more likely to commit suicide than be murdered
The apple doesn’t have an opinion, it’s an inanimate object
Orange called to tell me I have now been with them for two years. I left a month ago because they were incompetent. Glad to see I was proved right.
I make her scream at night
Yeh with fright at your astonishing ugliness
A wheel is just a square with the corners rounded off
That’s the benefit of benefits
You know you’re parents are getting old when you have to start telling your dad when to go to bed
I’d rather be poor and healthy than rich and dead
My wisdom teeth never came through, am I not wise?
All the midwives are on maternity leave
People love talking about the past because they were part of it. People hate the future because the only certainty is that, one day, they won’t be.
What’s the first rule of driving?
Keep your eyes open
You ain’t seen nothing until you’ve seen a horse and cart doing a reverse three point turn
The main difference between F1 and cricket is that when it rains F1 becomes more exciting whilst cricket becomes less
I don’t have a fear of flying, I have a fear of falling
(After birthday) so depressing, have to wait a whole another year for that again
I’ve only got love for you if you were actually born in the 80s
Keep blowing those bubbles kid coz when you grow-up it all goes to shit
Constantly losing people you care about, in the end you just stop caring
Greatness Road
I’m becoming a vegetarian, going cold turkey and everything, slightly unfortunate phrasing there, not that I’m always thinking about eating meat because I’m not, hardly ever think about it
It’s like bribing me with my own money
You’re obsessed with sport, I say Cambridge and Oxford, you think Conference football teams, not prestigious universities
Morals, just another thing that gets in the way of fun
Flattery, deception, same thing isn’t it?
The times are bad. I had a serious discussion with my parents about becoming a male escort over tea today, they were in favour of it too
You’re about as sexually liberated as a Catholic Priest
Has it really been 8 weeks already? I only saw you 2 months back
He was a photographer until he went blind
Either be happy together or happy apart but don’t be between the two and unhappy
For as long as I can remember I’ve had memories
Twitter – celebrity stalking for lazy people
What next on BBC 3? Celebrity Bomb Disposal
Religion, it’s all just an elaborate conspiracy theory about death
The suffragettes never did anything for me
At half price so I can buy twice as much!
Everyone knows that all generalizations are always wrong
It either makes it much more likely… or a lot less
I’m going to live forever or die trying
It was a choice between going to boys’ grammar and receiving a good education, or going to the mixed comprehensive and receiving a sex education
I always tell the truth, having said that I am a compulsive liar, but of course I could be lying about that
Adults that are sexually attracted to teenagers are called hebophiles
Accismus Productions means 'the pretence of turning down something desperately wanted'
It’s not that I’m a bad gambler; it’s just that teams don’t get the results they’re supposed to
You never hear ice-cream vans chiming anymore
My mum always used to tell me that the chimes meant they've run out of ice cream
What did I want to be when I was growing up? A: Grown-up
What do I want to be now that I am grown-up? A: Not grown-up
I’m indecisive, well no I mean I say that but sometimes I’m quite good at making decisions when I need to be but then again I do spend hours in the supermarket choosing between different brands and I’m not great at making my mind up I probably am indecisive but not always
I’ve gone 9 and half days without drinking, not that I’m counting or anything
I once made out with my ethics teacher
I did consider being spontaneous but by the time I’d thought about it the moment had passed
I’m not argumentative and I’m not in denial!
Ever thought that pessimism maybe self-fulfilling?
You use pub as a verb
I’m a compulsive liar but then again I don’t always tell the truth
I tell the truth 75% of the time/ I am however a compulsive liar but of course I might be lying about that
Fat girls float best
I never used to like my chest hair but it’s growing on me
‘Love’s Labours Won’ being lost forever, you can’t write irony like that
Well you can but then you’d have to lose what you’d written
I’m just as famous as any celebrity before they were famous
I’ve never been so old – (birthday)
The moment I stop thinking I’m insane is the moment that I actually will be
Only someone who was sane would actually doubt their insanity
If God had wanted us to lick our own balls he wouldn’t have inserted our bottom three ribs would he?
It’s not rape if you shout ‘surprise’ first
The difference between tragedy and comedy is simply a matter of perspective
I can’t afford to be an alcoholic
Can’t afford to be a professional gambler, not yet anyway
You started every sentence with ‘I’m not alcoholic but…’
Anyone who says they’re drunk actually isn’t drunk enough
Even my stalker hates me
Napoleon was a lesbian
If I knew where I’d been I wouldn’t have been lost in the first place
She wasn’t dead after all but was still on the run from the morgue and subsequently arrested for impersonating the living
If only life was scripted then I’d always know what to say
His imaginary friend is fed up of being ignored by everyone, he wants you all to take him seriously
The Anti-Sobriety coalition
There will be no tolerance towards traitors or those who show tolerance towards traitors
Infinity is impossibility
I want to do a learn-from-home course on economics but I just can’t afford it at the moment what with the new T.V. and all the bills constantly going up
I’m sleeping with a necrophiliac/insomniac
And then he threw up on the war memorial
You were in my dream last night… don’t worry it wasn’t a wet dream or anything
And your accountant called to say that you can’t afford to have anymore children
I want to be a funeral director, job with a future; people are always going to die
I was only making out with her so that we didn’t have to talk
No password
The bravest men get shot quickest
You’re so sexist, for a woman
I have a complex relationship with cheese
Every adult was once a child
Dialogue
What’s your highest 3 dart score?
290
How did you get 290 from just 3 darts?
Practice
Is it today or still yesterday?
Today, it’s always today, it’s never not today
SIMON
So are you over Isabelle yet?
DANNY
Yeh of course I am, it has been over a year
SIMON
Wasn’t so long ago that you were both in love. What if you’re wrong about being over her?
DANNY
I’m never wrong about these things
SIMON
Yeh you are, frequently. You just never admit to it
DANNY
Name me a time when I’ve been wrong
SIMON
I’m not saying anything
DANNY
Well you are, you’re saying ‘I’m not saying anything’. What do you mean by that?
SIMON
Ok, ok. Honestly, in my opinion, I think you’re a little bit in denial
DANNY
I’m not in denial! No-way, not me, never
SIMON
If you’re not in denial then you’re definitely being argumentative
DANNY
I’m not argumentative either!
SIMON
Yeh you are
DANNY
No I’m not!
SIMON
You so are!
DANNY
I’m not argumentative and I’m definitely not in denial! And at least I’m not, not saying anything
I’ve found a £10 an hour job
What is it?
A model for life drawing classes
You’re getting paid to take your clothes off, that’s one step away from being a male stripper, which is itself one step away from being a gigolo
I couldn’t do that
Why not?
Being naked, in front of a load of strangers. What if… you know… what if you got… aroused
Sitting in-front of some ugly fat middle aged women is hardly sexy
Don’t know about anyone else in here but whenever I’ve been naked in-front of a woman I’ve been aroused
ISABELLE
Don’t you ever harass me again! And at a funeral of all places
DANNY
I was complimenting you!
ISABELLE
No you were sexually harassing me
SIMON
What did you say this time?
DANNY
I said that Isabelle looked nice today
ISABELLE
No you said I was looking sexy
DANNY
And… what’s the difference? I don’t understand. I try paying you a compliment and get accused of harassment. And the worst of it is that if I hadn’t have paid you a compliment you’d have had a got a me for that as well.
Isabelle storms out of the car off
SIMON
Wouldn’t worry about it mate. When will women understand that all flattery is simply deception anyway?
I’m never wrong
No you’re not, you simply never admit you’re wrong
You can’t lie on your CV
I didn’t!
Previous employment, Professional job hunter, 2009 to present, that isn’t a job it’s a contradiction
I’m speechless
No you’re not
Why are you buying him clothes? He’s already got some
Because when we go out together I want him to look nice
What if he likes what he’s already got?
Well I don’t like what he’s already good, I want him to look as good as I will
He won’t want to wear that
He’ll wear what I tell him to
Girls, you never grow up do you? When you’re young you play with dolls, comb their hair dress them up, then you get older and instead of growing out of it you just find bigger more expensive and life-like dolls to dress. Your imposing yourself on him
What you eating?
Bread sandwich
What’s in it?
Two slices of bread with a third slice in-between
Then that’s not a sandwich, it’s just bread. Why don’t you put some cheese in there?
Better not, I have a complex relationship with cheese
No-one spends all their time thinking about you
I do!
Nothing but silence
It’s technically not silence if you talk through it
Are you vegetarian then?
Well, I eat fish
Which either makes you a pescetarian or a hypocrite
Can you smell toast?
No
You know that’s the first sign that you’re having a heart attack
Great so either I’m about to have a heart attack or someone’s making breakfast without me
I’m all for a republic. Don’t see why we should have to pay for a posh family to live a life of luxury
They only cost the taxpayer 63p per person per year, it’s nothing
63p? Nothing? I could buy a Peanut Butter Kit-Kat Chunky for that
Are we seriously arguing confectionary over monarchy?
I can live without the monarchy, couldn’t live without chocolate
This is silly, you don’t even pay the tax, you’re unemployed. You’re all on the dole so none of you are paying for the monarchy.
She’s not imaginary
Already one up on most your previous girlfriends then
You don’t drink alcohol for the taste, no-one likes the taste of alcohol, it tastes like poison! It is technically a poison! But you drink it because it makes you feel drunk. You don’t take medicine for the taste you drink it to make you better
Are you seriously comparing alcohol to medicine?
There’s only one type of person I’d ignore you for
What types that then?
Women
If Hilary Clinton had been elected would Bill Clinton have been the First Lady or the first, First Man
I’m 21! I can’t be going bald, my dad still has all his hair
Yeh but hair-loss is inherited from your mother’s side
But my mum’s not bald
No but what-about your granddad?
He’s dead
Yeh, I think death is hereditary too, but before your granddad died was he…?
Bald, yeh very bald, bald by 25 oh… I’m going bald before my dad
You lied to me. Which means you might have lied about other things as well.
Yes, ok, I have lied but I’m lying now
How can I believe that? Maybe you are still lying now.
It doesn’t matter if I’m lying or not. What matters is that you found out. Think of it as a surprise
I don’t like surprises
You might not like what I have to tell you then
She was just killed by the script writer who randomly threw a silenced gun into the narrative
How dare you scriptwriter! You public menace! We would live in peace if it weren’t for you putting guns on our streets! Making characters do uncharacteristic things just to develop the plot like having everyone fall in love and sleeping with each other for increasingly silly reasons like every time two totally mismatched characters get together because it’s a Wednesday just to get another character jealous enough to kill the first character in time for the Friday cliff-hanger
Whilst that’s all true I have just had an existential crisis and screwed the scriptwriter to get the family business back and I brought my sons closer together in doing so. From now on everything is going to be good.
Do you not believe in equality?
I will believe in true equality when men are born with wombs
Wouldn’t that make everyman a woman?
A womb-man
I’m rich
You’re stone broke!
Well I’m rich… comparatively
Comparatively?
Yeh in comparison to a third world orphan I’m rich, very rich. I mean obviously I’m not rich in comparison to Bill Gates or the Queen or most normal people
How did he write his autobiography? I thought he was dead
Yeh he wrote his autobiography posthumously
Believe me I’m not paranoid
I never said you were
You thought it though didn’t you?
No, course not
You’re not being honest with me; just admit it! You think I’m paranoid
Ok now I think you’re paranoid
I trust you less than you trust me, trust me about it.
If you do trust me less than I trust you then I don’t trust you at all
He’s the Angel of Death
Although we prefer to be called euthangels
What’s everyone’s biggest fantasy?
I fantasize about Harry, Ron and Hermonie having threesomes
That sick! Distorting wholesome children’s literature like that
I’d have a threesome with them
Wouldn’t that then be a foursome?
I so would Emma Watson
Yeh Emma Watson’s buff
I’d like to see her in the buff
Fancying Emma Watson is wrong. Just wrong, do you perv over her when watching the Philosophers Stone?
No! She’s like 11 in that
Although I did perv over her when I was 11, seeing it for the first time, she was my first crush
It’s wrong, you’ve watched her grow-up. It’s a wrong as, I don’t know, seeing your sister in her pants
Since when have you seen my sister in her pants?
I don’t know what men see in her, I mean she’s not that pretty, she has weird eyebrows
Yeh I agree
Women, you always find fault
Well I suppose her eyebrows aren’t that weird
No, not compared to Billie Piper
She’s weird looking. It’s like all the parts of her face, her eyebrows, her nose, her lips, her eyes are all competing for attention with each other
Men don’t care for such petty imperfections though
Yeh Billie Piper can play with my sonic screwdriver anytime she wants
I can’t ever remember a time when I was wrong
You’re frequently wrong you simply never admit to it
There’s nothing to admit, I’m never wrong. My greatest strength is that I have no weaknesses.
There was a marriage in the village I was working in and they had a festival to celebrate. Went on for days it did. The entire village getting completely lashed on Sorghum which is this sweet Kenyan moonshine, very strong it is. Unfortunately one man drank too much and died. So the following day they had a funeral for him, celebrated his life by drinking more Sorghum despite the nature of his demise. Later his relatives, worse for wear end up squabbling over his inheritance and eventually one stabs the other and sadly he died. Horrific it was, luckily I didn’t see it but there was screaming and whimpering all through the night
I’ve never been asked out
We can’t have that, I’ll ask you out
Really?
Well only if you promise to say no, of course
Why ask if you don’t actually want to go out with me?
So that you can say that someone has asked you out and that you turned them down
How is you telling me to turn you down confidence
Jim and Simon having a meal together when Simon’s sister comes over
What you doing here?
Having a meal with my girlie friends. Why, what you doing?
Eating, just eating
Ok don’t want to interrupt you’re romantic gay-date for two
If you didn’t want to interrupt us then why did you come over? We’re just two friends having lunch. Why do you assume we’re having a gay-date? You’re here with you’re girlfriends, I don’t assume that you’re all having a lesbian orgy afterwards
Just to clarify you’re not are you?
You don’t need to get it out, really put it back in… woah that is big
Yeh most girls can’t handle it, Isabelle struggles with the size of it
What you talking about?
Size of Ed’s tongue
Scenes/ideas
Undercover/covered/cover me
Young Man driving a car when phone ring-tone rings
YM: Hello
Voice Off-Stage: This isn’t funny anymore
YM laughs
Cut to VOS on mobile phone in boot of car
CU tracking shot along the floor. A man and woman heard giggling naughty. Socks come into view, followed by trousers, a shirt, a dress, a bra. More laughing and then a pair of pants and knickers are seen. Pan up to reveal a washing machine, the door closed by a hand, pan right shows ____ and ______ doing their laundry, having fun.
Trying to get a girl to take off her clothes for an arty film the boys have been asked to do. Girls steal camera and sneak in bedroom to film ____ getting changed.
Journalist making the news in-order to get a headline
Why are you so desperate to watch it, you know what’s going to happen
I know what happens, I don’t know how it happens, that’s why I want to watch
What just happened there?
I don’t know I missed it
What’s the point of us watching it if you can’t tell me what happens?
Hearing half a phone conversation
Death certificate
Chlamydia Screening
1 in 10 young people sexually active young people are infected with Chlamydia
Birthday party cake with candles on and lit. Man takes out hand held electric fan to blow candles out.
Wireless controllers
Finding parents condoms
CU of handheld gun CUT TO child holding the gun
Corpse revealed to be a man pretending to be dead
Movie Cliché’s
CHASES
Woman falls to the ground whilst being chased by a bad guy, even when running over level, unobstructed terrain. Note that when a man and woman are being chased, usually the woman falls, then the man pauses and helps her up.
He’s going to die/How do you know that?/ He’s coughing/It’s only a cough/People in films only cough if they’re about to die
Interesting Words
Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours, or by justifying or rationalizing their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours.
Production Company Names
Retcon Productions (Retroactive Continuity)
Deus Ex Machina Productions
Far Sight Productions
Unique Echo Productions
Asynchronous Productions
Inverse Reflection Productions
Paradox Productions
Cognitive Dissonant Productions
Synergetic Productions
Flashback Productions
Placement Productions
Productions Previously
Names
Bryony Shaw
Mike Hawke
